As a family therapist, I’ve heard countless parents express a similar frustration: “My child has everything going for them, but they are just wasting their potential.” Parents grapple with understanding why their teens make self-destructive choices, like substance abuse, dropping out of school, or engaging in risky behaviors, despite seemingly having bright futures.
One mother’s exasperated plea, “Sometimes I just want to superglue my daughter to the chair until she gets out of her teen years!” perfectly encapsulates this feeling of powerlessness. It’s incredibly painful for parents to watch their teenagers make poor decisions and seemingly “throw it all away.” These choices can range from associating with negative influences and neglecting schoolwork to more dangerous behaviors like substance abuse and reckless actions.
When faced with a teen making bad choices, parents often struggle with questions of responsibility and intervention. “Is it my job to fix this?” and “What can I actually do when my teen refuses help?” are common refrains. The overwhelming pain of seeing a child squander opportunities can lead parents to swing between desperate attempts to control their teen and feelings of utter despair.
However, the crucial realization is that you cannot control your teenager’s choices or the ultimate direction of their life. Your role is to guide them towards a better path. This is where your responsibility lies. The empowering truth is that you can influence your teen’s decisions by taking control of your own actions and reactions, rather than attempting to manipulate theirs. As James Lehman wisely said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink, you can make him mighty thirsty.” This principle is fundamental when considering How To Program Car To Shut Off Do To Teenager – while you might explore technological solutions, the core is about influence and guidance, not direct control.
Establishing Clear Boundaries with Your Teen
The concept of setting boundaries is often misunderstood. It’s not about being punitive; it’s about communicating, “I’m on your side, we are a team, we love and support you. However, we disapprove of your current choices, and we will no longer enable them.” Maintaining firm, clear boundaries about what you will and will not do for your teen is vastly different from constantly trying to micromanage or change them.
In your relationship with your teen, defining and upholding these boundaries is essential. This might involve statements like, “You cannot live in this house without adhering to these rules,” or “I will not provide you with money if I suspect drug use,” or “I am not driving you to that party.” You are explicitly stating your actions and inactions. This approach emphasizes taking charge of your own behavior rather than trying to dictate your child’s.
It’s important to frame these boundaries not as punishment or reactions to disobedience, but as measures for their well-being. You can explain, “We are doing this because we love you and care about you. This isn’t about punishing you for breaking rules; it’s about ensuring your safety and well-being.” This reframing is crucial when discussing potentially restrictive measures like how to program car to shut off do to teenager, ensuring the teen understands it comes from a place of concern, not just control.
The power of boundaries lies in controlling what you can control: your own actions. This is the essence of influence. “I am not going to dictate your actions, nor will I resort to yelling or screaming. I will simply act according to what I believe is best. I will not enable your behavior by giving you rides or money. Those privileges are revoked until you demonstrate responsibility.” You are closing doors to enabling behaviors. There’s a stark contrast between physically restraining a child and taking charge by implementing appropriate consequences.
Here are five actionable steps to help you influence your teen toward making better life choices, moving away from direct control and towards guidance and support.
1. Recognize and Acknowledge Your Own Emotions
The first step is inward: recognize and acknowledge your own feelings. Panic, despair, powerlessness, frustration, and disappointment are all natural parental emotions in this situation. Simply acknowledging these emotions is the goal at this stage. Avoid reacting impulsively by judging yourself or your child. Resist the urge to blame, yell, hover, withdraw, or become overly controlling – these are typical anxiety responses that will only amplify your distress and damage your relationship with your teenager. Furthermore, these reactions distract your teen from confronting their own choices, giving them an opportunity to wrestle with you instead of their decisions. Don’t inadvertently allow them to shift responsibility for their actions onto you. You don’t want them to assert their independence by rebelling against your control rather than making responsible choices. Instead, acknowledge your fears and feelings and manage them without making your child responsible for your emotional state. Engage in self-care activities: take walks, listen to music, practice yoga, confide in family or friends, or immerse yourself in your career. Anything that helps you avoid fixating solely on your child. Stay in your own lane – don’t let your anxiety drive you to encroach on your child’s.
2. Observe and Reflect on Your Contribution
Step back and observe, think, and identify your contribution to any negative patterns in your relationship with your teen. When you are calmer, you gain clarity and can think more strategically about how to guide and lead – rather than control – your adolescent. Effective guidance and leadership necessitate changes in your parenting behaviors, not attempts to force your teen to change. Take a broader perspective and try to observe the dynamics at play. Ask yourself critical questions:
- When did these problematic behaviors begin?
- Were there specific triggers or events that coincided with the change?
- Are there ways that you or your spouse might be inadvertently contributing to the problem?
- Have you taken excessive responsibility for your child’s choices, blurring the lines of accountability?
- Do you believe it’s your parental duty to ensure your children always make the “right” choices, potentially leading to over-involvement?
- If so, have you been over-functioning for your child, perhaps by “babying” them or enabling their irresponsibility through excessive support or lack of expectations?
- Have you established too many rules, creating a restrictive environment, or too few, lacking necessary structure?
- Has there been an imbalance in parenting styles, with one parent being overly strict while the other is too lenient? Perhaps both parents are reacting strongly but ineffectively, creating noise without providing real direction.
- Is your child reacting to you in some way, perhaps out of defiance or a need for attention, rather than acting out of their own intrinsic motivation?
It might be time to consciously interrupt your part in this unproductive dance. By carefully observing your own patterns and tendencies, you can identify and modify your steps in the interaction, shifting the dynamic.
3. Take Charge, Don’t Take Control
Shift your focus from taking control to taking charge. Reiterate: you cannot dictate all of your child’s choices, but you can significantly influence their decision-making process. If your teen insists on staying out until the early hours of the morning, you cannot lock them in their room every night, even if you wish you could. Attempting to exert such control will likely damage your relationship. However, you can establish consequences: “If you return home after curfew, there will be consequences. You will lose car privileges or social outings for the weekend.” In essence, they are free to make a poor choice, but you will respond to that choice by ensuring they experience the natural, and perhaps painful, repercussions of that decision. Don’t make it easy for them to perpetuate negative behaviors. If they break rules, address it directly and consistently, reinforcing that the rules remain in effect. Maintain firm, clear boundaries, but do so in a loving, connected, and matter-of-fact manner. Be the responsible adult your teen needs, providing structure and accountability. This is also relevant when considering how to program car to shut off do to teenager. Instead of focusing solely on shutting off the car, consider taking charge by setting clear rules about car usage and consequences for breaking those rules, such as temporary loss of driving privileges.
It’s crucial to clarify that if your child engages in unsafe, destructive, abusive, or high-risk behaviors, such as self-harm, bullying, or drug use, they have crossed a critical line. In these instances, immediate and strong interventions are necessary. Your care and love for your child necessitate that you do not passively stand by. If you have evidence of drug use, for example, you must take decisive action. This might involve contacting other parents, the school, authorities, a crisis team, or seeking professional help such as counseling or rehabilitation. In situations serious enough to jeopardize your child’s safety, you may have to prioritize their well-being even if it means risking temporary strain on your relationship.
4. Persevere and Hang In There
Let’s be realistic: some teenagers face a more challenging path to maturity. Regardless of the difficulties, your consistent presence and support are vital. Maintain your established rules, even if your teen frequently breaks them. Continuously remind them that these rules are in place for their benefit and well-being. While they may eventually mature and make better choices, there is also a possibility they will squander significant opportunities despite your efforts. Ultimately, your success as a parent in this situation is not measured by perfectly controlling your teenager, but by your ability to persevere through challenging times and remain engaged day after day. Accept the possibility that your child may miss opportunities despite your positive influence. You may need to grieve the loss of your hopes and dreams for them. However, remain present in your child’s life and continue to move forward together. To reiterate James Lehman’s wisdom, “Parent the child you have—not the child you wish you had.” This perspective is crucial, as focusing on control, such as solely on how to program car to shut off do to teenager, can overshadow the more important aspect of consistent parental support.
5. Nurture Your Connection
Actively cultivate and enjoy the positive moments with your child. Maintain your role as the adult, uphold your boundaries, be firm and clear about your expectations, and then consciously focus on enjoying your teen. Shift the focus away from the problems and towards the positive aspects of your relationship. Share common interests, engage in discussions about topics outside of your immediate relationship, such as current events or hobbies, and genuinely get to know your teen as an individual. See them through a lens that is not clouded by distrust and negativity. Acknowledge and appreciate all aspects of who they are, not just their poor choices.
So, begin by recognizing your own emotions to prevent reactive and judgmental responses towards yourself or your child. Then, step back and try to understand the underlying dynamics and identify any patterns you might be contributing to that you can change. Next, take charge by establishing and enforcing boundaries instead of attempting to exert direct control. Once these structures are in place, remember that there is a whole dimension to your child’s personality that you can connect with and enjoy. Make a conscious effort to nurture that connection. And if, despite all efforts, things don’t improve – as can sometimes happen – acknowledge and grieve your disappointments regarding the lost opportunities for your child. Recognize that some individuals may remain seemingly out of control regardless of parental interventions. Maturity may be the catalyst for necessary changes. Never give up on your child; they need your consistent and strong presence in their life, even when they are currently making poor choices.
Related Content: Teens and Privacy: Should I Spy on My Child? Risky Teen Behavior: Can You Trust Your Child Again?
Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify
About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
For over 25 years, Debbie Pincus has provided compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, assisting individuals, couples, and parents in healing themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relationships.
