Image caption: Daniella and Josh have been together for over two years
Daniella McDonald is a transgender woman attracted to men. The Californian and medical student says that dating heterosexual men was initially a “horror show,” but for the last two and a half years, she has been in a stable relationship.
In an interview with BBC’s gender and identity reporter, Megha Mohan, Daniella McDonald shares her story and expresses her belief that heterosexual men may be slowly becoming more receptive to the idea of dating transgender women. Read her account below.
Josh and my father were fishing side-by-side in a lake in the Sierra Nevada mountains, California. It was part of a family outing, where we went camping in Mammoth Lakes, a region known for its majestic mountains, clear water lakes, winding trails, and unpolluted skies.
Suddenly, Josh turned to me and smiled. At that moment, I felt not only the relief of realizing that your boyfriend effortlessly fits into the family. Looking at the two men in my life next to each other, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace.
Because a while ago, I couldn’t imagine a scene like this. Before Josh, dating was a horror show.
Like many people my age, I used dating apps.
I am quite traditional when it comes to what I want in a romantic relationship: monogamy, companionship, someone to share breakfast duties with, a person who supports me through the long hours of studying at medical school at the University of California in San Diego…
So, my profile on the app reflected that. I wrote a standard description, except for the first two words: “transgender woman.”
Image caption: Daniella McDonald is studying medicine
I don’t hide my gender identity. I am always upfront, from the beginning. I started my physical transition at 26, but I have lived as Daniella for years.
Despite living my life as a woman, I never connected with the debates about transgender people in the media.
My transgender friends and I don’t endlessly discuss which bathrooms to use or which pronouns to use. We talk about what most young people talk about: relationships.
As a woman who is attracted to men, I wanted to be with a man who is attracted to women.
But I was not prepared for the behavior of some men on the app.
Most of the messages I received were awful. I would wake up to direct messages calling me “tranny,” my phone displaying the words “you are a man.” I received death threats with long paragraphs detailing how I should be murdered.
Less extreme, but still disturbing, were the men who had a perverse interest in transgender women.
They saw me as a temporary exotic experiment and did not pay attention to respectful boundaries. Our initial dialogues already focused on questions about my genitals and what kind of sex we would have.
And there were also kind men who wanted to be with me, but dating them was still a challenge.
The men who presented themselves nicely and respectfully were ashamed to be seen in public with a transgender woman.
These men would not introduce me to their family or friends. Some said they would lose their jobs if their employer found out they were dating a transgender woman.
To me, it all seemed like internalized homophobia: they couldn’t think of me as a woman and didn’t want people in their lives to see them as gay.
These experiences were very difficult for me.
‘I can safely say that relationships like this are increasing,’ says website creator
Image caption: Maki and Cyril; they run the dating site My Transgender Date
Maki Gingoyon runs the dating site My Transgender Date in the Philippines with her cisgender partner, Cyril Mazur. Maki says that when the project started in 2013, 1.5 million profiles were created immediately, but few people actually actively used the site.
A lot has changed in the last eight years, she says. The number of members routinely using My Transgender Date has increased from a few hundred to 120,000. A growing number of heterosexual cisgender men wanting to find transgender partners now feel confident posting their photos, and more people in their 20s and 30s have signed up, lowering the average age.
“We created the site in 2013 because we wanted a decent and safe place for transgender women and cisgender men to find meaningful romantic relationships with each other,” says Maki.
“Dating as a transgender person can be a vulnerable position, online spaces can be overly fetishizing. Transgender people find comfort and a sense of community in virtual spaces, but these can also be humiliating spaces. However, things are changing. I can safely say that relationships like this (between transgender and cisgender people) are increasing,” she adds.
I remember once being picked up at home and taken to a movie date. I was so excited! While he was buying the tickets, I thought, “Wow, this man is really cute and we are on a nice ‘typical’ date.”
Then, when we sat down in the dark room and the trailers started playing, he turned to me and said, “I just don’t think I can do this.” He got up and left. I followed him to the front (of the cinema), where he got a refund for the tickets and left, leaving me to find my own way back home.
I was devastated. It was a constant cycle of humiliation, where I felt like there was something wrong with me, something fundamentally unlovable.
And then I met Josh.
He messaged me on a dating app, and things were different.
Image caption: ‘Josh said he saw no difference between dating me and dating a cisgender woman,’ says Daniella
Josh is five years younger than me and is in the US military. He comes from a large and loving Filipino-American family and told them everything about me — including my gender identity — when he saw that we were in a serious relationship.
There was some surprise when they understood the fact that their son was with a transgender woman, but they were always kind.
Josh’s sister was the first person in the family I met, and I could see the happiness on his face when he introduced us, and it was immediately clear that we got along well.
Over the months, I met Josh’s whole family. The first thing his grandfather said when he saw me was, “Josh, she is so beautiful.”
I once asked my boyfriend how he could be so open and different from many other heterosexual men. He replied that a transgender woman is part of his circle of friends and that he never saw her just because of her gender identity.
The power of just knowing a transgender person opened him up. Josh said he saw no difference between dating me and dating a cisgender woman. For him, we have a “normal love.”
That was two and a half years ago, and we have been together ever since. Josh and I have the same challenges and discussions about our future as any other couple. And although I have a large circle of queer friends who embrace all types of relationships, I would say ours is quite traditional (whatever that is).
The biggest obstacle now is the time we have to spend apart because of our careers. Josh has to spend months away on military training, and I am at medical school 12 hours a day.
But I also have another ambition. With my friend Avi Manullang, who is also transgender and a nurse, I want to launch a dating app for transgender and non-transgender people who are open to accepting people with different gender identities.
Transgender women suffer disproportionate levels of sexual violence, so we are working on mechanisms to ensure safety. Everyone should have the right to live and love with dignity.
Image caption: Josh and Daniella celebrate that they both got along well with each other’s families
I am hopeful for the future. When I was a child, the only transgender people I saw on TV were ridiculed on shows like Jerry Springer. Now we have young actors who are openly trans. People like Hunter Schafer from the series Euphoria, who are very open about their identity in a cool and understated way. That didn’t exist when I was growing up.
As people get used to seeing different gender identities becoming themselves, I know minds will change and there will be more relationships like Josh’s and mine.
I’m definitely not saying that everyone needs to be open to dating transgender people. I’m in no way saying that. But more people need to be open to the idea that cis-trans love exists, and it’s okay.
My relationship is currently the exception to the rule and not the rule, but I think it’s getting better, especially with Generation Z being able to feel more comfortable with gender diversity and being open about it, in public. 2
There are more than 3.7 million views on the hashtag cistranscouple on TikTok. And I’m very excited about that.
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